Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Me: oh I see the problem

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in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass


GOD: Go forth, my tiny friends!

ANTS: Hooray!

ANGEL: Ok next creation … The anteater.

ANTS: The what now?


Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV


[explaining fingernails to an alien]

ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.

ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.


Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this


Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.


Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.


Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.


What is WRONG with you???

Me: *slowly counting on fingers* let’s see… ok… carry the 1… um… That would be everything