@daddydoubts

Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.

3yo: I won’t.

Wife: hey guys.

3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.

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@daynamcalpine_

a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists

@mommajessiec

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

@TheToddWilliams

[cat adoption agency]

Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*

Me: What the hell?

Counselor: You’re not ready

@stephenjmolloy

Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”

@dafloydsta

WIFE: He won’t stop pretending he’s Larry King.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *turns to camera* We’ll hear more of Karen’s lies. Up next.

@TinaraMinus10

DON’T YOU LIKE ME! I WANNA MARRY YOU! WHY AM I IN THE TRUNK!

-and other things I hear from guys on first dates

@ThugRaccoons

Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?

Wife: I’m definitely bothered

@ThugRaccoons

[Wedding day]

Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?

Me: Well THIS is awkward

Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change

@pleatedjeans

[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]