Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
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What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
kevin is now a local weatherman
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
peeping toms
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
doing some research
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.