a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
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If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Me: Thank you.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
WIFE: He won’t stop pretending he’s Larry King.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *turns to camera* We’ll hear more of Karen’s lies. Up next.
DON’T YOU LIKE ME! I WANNA MARRY YOU! WHY AM I IN THE TRUNK!
-and other things I hear from guys on first dates
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]