Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
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Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
I needed a laugh this morning.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.