Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.

* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.

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I just purchased duct tape at the Dollar Store to fix all of the other shit I bought at the Dollar Store. Life is going exactly as planned.


Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.


Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]


Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed

Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?


The self-checkout line was invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.


me: when can i get on the barbell

gym guy: sorry it’s a long wait

me: i know what it is


I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.


“I’m sorry” and “my bad” mean the same thing unless you’re at a funeral.