Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
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COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
My favorite female superhero
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here