Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
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[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]