me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
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[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
hackers play passwordle
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.