Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.

Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?

You Might Also Like


I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.


DATE: What do you do for a living?
ME: I create makeup kits
DATE: Oh that’s so cool
ME: Yeah, I’ll put one together for you
DATE: Aww you’re making me blush


Father’s Day Fun:

1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.


[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed


Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.


We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.