Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
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I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now