@karanbirtinna

Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.

Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?

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@LizHackett

I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.

@Home_Halfway

DATE: What do you do for a living?
ME: I create makeup kits
DATE: Oh that’s so cool
ME: Yeah, I’ll put one together for you
DATE: Aww you’re making me blush

@CulturedRuffian

Father’s Day Fun:

1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.

@Stellacopter

[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed

@alispagnola

Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.

@TweetsByTheTony

We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.