Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.

*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs

Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.

What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?

*puts on workout clothes*

*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*

Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.

donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!

waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-

[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce

“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend

What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?

A parsnip.

My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.

Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).

Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?

Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches

hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall

Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse

Strange

No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.

Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.

[Courtroom]

Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!

Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.

Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.

Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.

I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.

How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?

Boss: can I get an update

Me: glitches out and fails to install

Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.

[Back To the Future, 2018]

Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??

Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*

daughter: can i keep the night light on?

me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie

I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.

I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.