Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
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Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!