@markedly

ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship

PIRATE: …Aye

ME: 😊

P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya

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I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.

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My 4yo: Dad, you’re old, right?

Me: I’m not that old.

4: You’re not new.

Me: Go to bed.

@WhatevaConc

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Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I like cake.

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90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.

@ohen39

[sex-ed class]
kid: I still have some questions
me: let me explain *pauses sex-ed video* she can only pay the pizza guy with sex

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!