I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
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My 4yo: Dad, you’re old, right?
Me: I’m not that old.
4: You’re not new.
Me: Go to bed.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I like cake.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
kid: I still have some questions
me: let me explain *pauses sex-ed video* she can only pay the pizza guy with sex
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?