Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
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“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”