BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
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*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
I saw an old couple sharing a newspaper and was like “oh wow maybe marriage is cool” and then the lady said “STOP BREATHING ON ME”
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
The best reply to “I love you” is “Well that’s a terrible idea.”
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
I don’t like charging my phone on the plane because a large part of me feels like I am sucking energy and power from the engine