Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
You Might Also Like
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?