@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*

Demon: *possesses me*

Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit

Demon: same time next week?

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@FrazzleMyGimp

[restaurant]

BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]

DATE: Are you okay?

THE HULK: I’ve been better.

@DurtMcHurtt

*destroys head of lettuce*

*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*

@JimmerThatisAll

Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.

@UncleDuke1969

People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.

@BMcCarthy32

There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.

@thenatewolf

I saw an old couple sharing a newspaper and was like “oh wow maybe marriage is cool” and then the lady said “STOP BREATHING ON ME”

@NurseSeymour

Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?

@RSF788

The best reply to “I love you” is “Well that’s a terrible idea.”

@AllyBallyBeal

Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me

Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more

@chrissyteigen

I don’t like charging my phone on the plane because a large part of me feels like I am sucking energy and power from the engine