@_Tempo11

[me dress shopping]

“Ohhhh that’s cute”

*an 80 year old buys it*

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@bylinetd

Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.

Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!

@Masquerage

When my twitter crush rt’s another girl, a little part of me dies. And so does she.

@Nuwaha17

I quit drinking & people laughed at me. Now the iPhone 7 is here and I get to sell a clean & pure Liver. The joke is now on them.

@stanleybehrman

From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.

@coffeeandvinyl1

Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.

@Prero22

If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.

@MorticiaKate

Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?

Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”

My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*

@AlwaysAButt

a conspiracy: all these dudes on tinder are actually holding the same fish. they just ship it to each other when they need a new photo because they can’t actually catch one

@ThinkingSavage

All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.