FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
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Worst thing about being born on April Fools Day is that nobody takes you seriously. Even my parents were in denial for the first 47 years.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
cop: what do we put for cause of death
me: health complications
cop: but he was beheaded
me: really complicates one’s health, doesn’t it
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?