Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
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Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it