@SvnSxty

Me: *dressed as a dragon*

Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy

Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya

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@ddsmidt

If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*

@mommajessiec

My husband and I decided to be more honest with each other. In related news, he’s been sleeping on the couch.

@KyleMcDowell86

Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER

@KeetPotato

[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes

@SlickestOfRicks

What’s up, girl? Do you like bad boys [kicks rug] or good guys [fixes rug]?

@nbadag

DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos

@KenJennings

LOL at people who “love seafood” but won’t even eat a silverfish

@ObscureGent

[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]

Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.

@DrakeGatsby

Me: You’ll never take me alive.

Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.

@Dis0beyJay

[at wedding]
Is there any reason why these two shouldn’t be wed?

* me yelling * SHE THINKS WOLVERINE COULD BEAT PREDATOR

*pianist vomits*