Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
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Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
😆this is so true
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
eggs benadryl
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*