ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
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I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!