@JillianKarger

ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help

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@Dawn_M_

These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.

@FredTaming

teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle

me: that thing with the harp and wings

teacher: never mind

@climaxximus

Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?

Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.

@LionJenkins

Autocorrect just changed “Selfies” to “Selfless” so I just took a picture without me in it.

@Marlebean

Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min

@shutupmikeginn

my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town

@Dschnoeb

I think the only girl I know that hasn’t said “you’re like a brother to me” is my sister.

@mdob11

No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.

@KalvinMacleod

[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him