ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
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For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.