Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
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Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.