Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
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who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
the only bumper sticker ill allow
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Basketball
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.