Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
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Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Every work meeting this week
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?