Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.

An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.

🙅🏻

Perfect

this is me

Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.

I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.

me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?

Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)

My Dad: No!

Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up

Years Later

My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)

My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”

I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.

Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time

At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future

Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.

Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg

The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”

When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.

My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.

the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”

The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.

Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.

Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?

Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar

My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.

I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.

I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.

i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot

I eat children for a living

You what?

I said I feed children

Oh haha thought you sa-

TO MY MOUTH

My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.

Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?

4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.

Me:

4:

Me: Well, obviously.

*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”

It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”

Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.

Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*

Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*