@daddydoubts

Me: *drops mic*

Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!

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@flashember

DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight

@Thynebear

[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]

@Still_Khaleesi

It’s so annoying when you’ve already planned out a convo in your head and the other person doesn’t follow the script. Learn your script! 😫

@LuvPug

It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.

@Shade510

Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.

@shkeeber

I killed a man once, because killing him twice is a physical impossibility.

@dumbbeezie

Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die

@bourgeoisalien

Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”

@SamuelHLowe

Sorry I said you looked like black Garfield in your Catwoman costume.

@SteveSuckington

[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*

“How are you doing on Depends bud?”