Me: *drops mic*

Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!

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DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight


[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]


It’s so annoying when you’ve already planned out a convo in your head and the other person doesn’t follow the script. Learn your script! 😫


It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.


Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.


I killed a man once, because killing him twice is a physical impossibility.


Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die


Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”


Sorry I said you looked like black Garfield in your Catwoman costume.


[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*

“How are you doing on Depends bud?”