Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
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Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?