Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
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I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
This was a bad idea all around
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Webb. James Webb.