Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
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[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.