dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
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him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU