*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
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sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
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My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
How to draw a duck
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
everyone’s a critic
Roses are red
Violets are blue
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house