me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?

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The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.


My husband is the nicest guy that I could ever dream of (murdering).


Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.


Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?


If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years.


FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT


Reckless driving, pot allegations and cop visits, Justin Bieber is a bad wig away from being the next Amanda Bynes.


[dad training]
TRAINER: im hungry
ME: ok lets ea-
TRAINER: [stares]
ME: i mean-hey hungry im dad


“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”

“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”


“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”