@iwearaonesie

me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?

You Might Also Like

@omgthatspunny

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

@Cpt_Burnout

My husband is the nicest guy that I could ever dream of (murdering).

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.

@wittwitbarista

Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?

@nerdreign

If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years.

@dafloydsta

FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT

@TMZ

Reckless driving, pot allegations and cop visits, Justin Bieber is a bad wig away from being the next Amanda Bynes.

@yayraptor

[dad training]
TRAINER: im hungry
ME: ok lets ea-
TRAINER: [stares]
ME: i mean-hey hungry im dad

@withanewname

“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”

“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”