Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
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How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Squirrels before girls.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am