Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
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Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.