@ErinChack

[Me drunk in the stands at the olympics heckling my husband who is a curler] oh LOOK who finally learned how to use a friCKIN BROOM. real nice doug where was this whEN YOU SPILLED FUNIONS IN THE DEN doug

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@_little_old_me

The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.

I will hear no other opinions on this matter.

@Parentpains

If opposites attract than why do women with clothes on always run away from me?

@perrypotters

Things I know I cannot do but still try to:

1. Cartwheel
2. Hit the high note
3. Move things with my mind
4. Eat ‘just one’
5. Be Cool

@zachreinert03

Just saw a woman getting ‘running lessons’ with rubber bands & a head gear. Pffft, I could’ve taught her for free and with only a chainsaw

@Brianhopecomedy

Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.

@CooperLawrence

Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.

@joeljeffrey

My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.

@Man_Ona_Ledge

That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.

@Dutch_50

I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.

@jonnysun

look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat