ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
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How to draw a duck
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
The sacred texts.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.