[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
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This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Distant galaxies are speeding away from the Milky Way at an ever-accelerating velocity just to get the hell away from you.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
If I had a time machine I’d go back 10 years and tell myself “Write down the names of all the people you loan stuff to.”
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her