@Brampersandon_

ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted

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@DurtMcHurtt

[throws salad into a garden]

Go home boy…you’re free now.

@cschleichsrun

This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”

@TheTweetOfGod

Distant galaxies are speeding away from the Milky Way at an ever-accelerating velocity just to get the hell away from you.

@LostCatDog

Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School

@TheSharona06

[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.

@PatsATweetin

eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle

adam: wow

eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you

adam: WOW

@4SLars

My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.

@kumailn

If I had a time machine I’d go back 10 years and tell myself “Write down the names of all the people you loan stuff to.”

@addamschloe

thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her