ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted

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[throws salad into a garden]

Go home boy…you’re free now.


This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”


Distant galaxies are speeding away from the Milky Way at an ever-accelerating velocity just to get the hell away from you.


Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School


[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.


eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle

adam: wow

eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you

adam: WOW


My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.


If I had a time machine I’d go back 10 years and tell myself “Write down the names of all the people you loan stuff to.”


thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her