ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
You Might Also Like
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
rise and shine we got egg
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts