I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
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OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Double negatives are never not confusing.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations