@QueenofSparta

Me, during phone sex: Babe, do you ever feel like somebody’s watching us?
Him: No
NSA agent: No

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@ceejoyner

Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: oh no

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

@rankin_jake

At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick

@DomBorrett

Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’

Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’

Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’

@Gupton68

Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.

@dawny716

Damn girl, are you alcohol? Because I’ve had too much of you and I’m going to throw up.

@MicroSFF

“Wait,” the thief said, “before you eat me-”
“What?” said the dragon.
“- let me see your treasure.”
“My hoard? I slept on it when you came in.”
“But where is your gold?”
The dragon nodded at the hoard of yarn. “It paid for that.”
“But why?”
“I knit. Here, take this jumper.”

@Kids_kubed

Dear toilet paper companies

I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials

@3sunzzz

Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?