I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
You Might Also Like
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Love is always patient and kind.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?