
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Me, during phone sex: Babe, do you ever feel like somebody’s watching us?
Him: No
NSA agent: No
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Damn girl, are you alcohol? Because I’ve had too much of you and I’m going to throw up.
“Wait,” the thief said, “before you eat me-”
“What?” said the dragon.
“- let me see your treasure.”
“My hoard? I slept on it when you came in.”
“But where is your gold?”
The dragon nodded at the hoard of yarn. “It paid for that.”
“But why?”
“I knit. Here, take this jumper.”
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?