@GabbbarSingh
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
@QueenofSparta
Me, during phone sex: Babe, do you ever feel like somebody’s watching us?
Him: No
NSA agent: No
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@GabbbarSingh
@LackOfShame
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
@Shade510
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
@joci2203
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
@BiscuitFloater
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
@BookishBunny
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
@jwoodham
The best vacation? Close your eyes and throw a dart at a map. Where did it land? Doesn’t matter. Just keep your eyes closed and go to sleep.
@leshnevsky
Today I played dead with my 5yo nephew. He cried for 5 seconds, then grabbed my iPhone and run away.
@ShortWhiteNUgly
I want a girl who asks me to do things that I have to Google.
@MrsJekyllsHyde
I wasn’t mad. Then you asked me 12 times if I was mad. Well, now I’m mad.