@QueenofSparta

Me, during phone sex: Babe, do you ever feel like somebody’s watching us?
Him: No
NSA agent: No

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@LackOfShame

OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.

@joci2203

I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!

Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.

@BiscuitFloater

I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.

It’s blood…I’m made of blood.

@BookishBunny

i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work

@jwoodham

The best vacation? Close your eyes and throw a dart at a map. Where did it land? Doesn’t matter. Just keep your eyes closed and go to sleep.

@leshnevsky

Today I played dead with my 5yo nephew. He cried for 5 seconds, then grabbed my iPhone and run away.

@MrsJekyllsHyde

I wasn’t mad. Then you asked me 12 times if I was mad. Well, now I’m mad.