Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
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Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Body by cheese-puffs.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first