DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
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The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Twilight and Hostess are over. It’s a sad day for fat girls.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
“Mary had a little lamb. had.” -wolf
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
mumsnet is amazing
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Bartender: What can I get you?
Leonardo DiCaprio: I’m dating a 22 years old.
Dane Cook: hold my beer.
Dane Cook’s girlfriend: I can’t.