Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
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4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
LMAO.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.