@UnFitz

Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”

Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”

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@ArfMeasures

DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era

ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*

@OLDIRTYDIAPER

Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping

@mattZillaaaa

I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

@MohanadElshieky

Leonardo DiCaprio: I’m dating a 22 years old.

Dane Cook: hold my beer.

Dane Cook’s girlfriend: I can’t.