Teen for rent:
Knows everything, does nothing.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
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“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Her: I think you’re getting too into those Hobbit movies
Me: *stops gluing a beard on the baby* what?
Just answered the door in my underpants. I said “Blimey, a talking door. What are you doing in my underpants?”
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
People who say “seriously, another one?” after your 3rd slice of pizza are not people you need in your life.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.