@iliezabeth

ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?

GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.

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@SoFarFetchd

“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels

@ericsshadow

Single: We do it like rabbits

Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet

@Goofpoops

Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”

@Sickayduh

Her: I think you’re getting too into those Hobbit movies
Me: *stops gluing a beard on the baby* what?

@GlennyRodge

Just answered the door in my underpants. I said “Blimey, a talking door. What are you doing in my underpants?”

@iamjeffsloan

I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.

@tracyofthenorth

People who say “seriously, another one?” after your 3rd slice of pizza are not people you need in your life.