I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
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Any phrase can be banalized,by adding “if you know what I mean” at the end.
EG: This morning my wife made me a ??tea,if you know what I mean
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
“Dad, where do zebras come from?”
Well son, when a referee loves a horse very much
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Me doing the macarena dance
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.