Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
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People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Me, in DM rooms…
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Always…
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!