Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
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Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef