Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
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Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
the answer was staring at me all along
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.