me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
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Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.