Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dude killed a sea lion with his bike

The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.

If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.

Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”

Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”

Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:

I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin

wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework

“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks

My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road

My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.

I won, so we’re getting a Meth.

my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that

The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.

The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.

My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.

I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.

a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink

that’s it. that’s the punch line

Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.

Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.

Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.

*doorbell rings*

me: go away I’m social distancing

voice: pizza delivery

me: *opens door*

COVID19: hehe, got’em

Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?

The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa

Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.

Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.

No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.

Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?

if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps

I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.