ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
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Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”