Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
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No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
This kinda thing happens to me often
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Do one person every day that scares you.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
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Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]