Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
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People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men