Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now

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cop: did u see the speed limit sign

me: of course


me: but not u


They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.


Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉


Want his attention?

Send nudes

Want to piss him off?

When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”


“We do not negotiate with Pterodactyls.”- President Barack Obamasaurus


Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”


SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide

ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did


Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.


I wanna see the where are they now episodes of all the women on these christmas movies that threw away their multi-million dollar jobs to fall in love with the poor tree farmer
Bet there’s regrets