@GABBYdaAngSaya

Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now

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@ClichedOut

cop: did u see the speed limit sign

me: of course

cop:

me: but not u

@LosLos__

They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.

@0hJuliette

Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉

@texasstalkermom

Want his attention?

Send nudes

Want to piss him off?

When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”

@ibid78

“We do not negotiate with Pterodactyls.”- President Barack Obamasaurus

@MrGeorgeWallace

Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”

@AbbieEvansXO

SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide

ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did

@jimmytorosian

Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.

@LaLa_Lyds

I wanna see the where are they now episodes of all the women on these christmas movies that threw away their multi-million dollar jobs to fall in love with the poor tree farmer
Bet there’s regrets