Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
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Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.