As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
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In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.