Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
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Ovenable?
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
This will teach them to underestimate me
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond